Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I feel so unwanted.. I mean maybe I am. I don't know. I don't even care anymore.The guy I want the most has a girlfriend n doesn't even bother seeing how I truley feel about him, so I'm just giving up on trying to make him see cause theres no point. I love him to death n nothing will ever change that, I mean he's broke my heart many of times but I'm never ever gonna stop loving him. He means the world to me, I just wish he would see that, I wish he would see that he's my everything. He's my best friend, n I want him for so much more, is that wrong? Is it wrong that I want to spend every single day, minute, even second with him? I feel so obsessed with him, hell maybe I am. I don't even know anymore all I know is that I love him n that I've never felt this way about a guy before n now I don't know what to do. Because I don't wanna mess our friendship up n plus he has a girlfriend. So I'm just going to put my feeling for him in the bottom of my heart so I don't think about it as much= I don't know what to do.. somebody help me please!!!!! Andy if you read this.. remember that I'll always love you okay!
Monday, March 27, 2006
Okay, so I'm only writing on here cause Andy told me to. I don't really have anything to write about. My lifes boring and Andy likes Meghan more than me, big surprise there huh! But oh well I guess, thats life so I'll deal with it! That's all I got to say!
Friday, March 24, 2006
Today was kinda okay I guess.. kinda boring but thats nothing new, I got to talk to Andy for a while today except for when I was sleeping or when he was sleeping... but we still talked more today then usual which was good!! Yay! I'm talkin to andy on the phone!!!! I was all pissed off before I called him cause my grandma was being a total bitch just because I didn't fold the damn clothes n put them away, ain't that some shit? But yeah anyways then I gots to call Andy n I was all happy n he was makin me laugh.. yay! Okay.. I'z done writing now.. I love you Andy!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
ugh, today's been such a bad day. it's getting a lil better but it's still going pretty bad hopefully it starts getting a lot better soon. I met this guy, his names Justin, hes cute n nice and crazy just like me. Hopefully I won't be single much longer. I think that if I wasn't single that I'd be a lot happier and if I didn't have all the problems I have but I'd be somewhat happy if I was with someone. Maybe anyways.. I don't really know. Me n Andy was fighting this morning.. gosh.. it was so bad cause I thought I was going to lose him, but I usually do think that I'm going to lose him when we fight but I'm done fighting with him.. never again will I fight with him, I hate it..more than anything.... but oh well I guess... I love you Andy n I'm sorry!!!!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I'm bored out of my mind right now! I was so bored that I even did school work... I have nothing to do, I've cleaned the house already, took a shower, and did school work. Nobody's online.. Andy's gone who knows where he is. He's been acting all weird the last few days I don't know what his problem is. I don't feel as close to him as I use to its like we're drifting apart or something I don't know, maybe thats just how its meant to be... I have some girl that I don't even know calling me a bitch because I'm friends with Andy I guess, which is just fucked up! I mean this girl doesn't know me so she can't call me a bitch, I'm not a bitch, I can be though but only if people make me mad enough. People just have issues, me being one of them. I can't wait til' I'm done with school n I can be out on my own finally have a life n not have to be stuck here in this lame ass town! I'll finally beable to get away from all my problems n just start my life over, forget about my past n just old friends n just move on.....I'm off here... I'm tired of writing!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I'm so sad right now n Andy isn't home and I can't call him cause my grandma's on the phone and she won't let me use the cell phone so basically I'm just gonna have to deal with being sad until he either gets on or I can call.... I haven't really talked to him at all today we talked for like 20 minutes maybe this morning but then I think that I made him mad so hes all I'm gonna go to sleep and things so yeah I don't know.. I seem to always make him mad anymore and I don't mean to I really don't. Thats the last thing that I wanna do. It's just when he starts talking to me about meghan it bothers me cause I always feel like I'm gonna lose him to her cause shes like a lot better than I am at least sometimes I think that he thinks that she is... I mean I'm even afraid of losing him to Sydney n thats his girlfriend. It's just hes my best friends hes the only person that I really have and I'm just afraid of losing him.. so that makes sense right...to be jealous I guess?? I don't know.. I just wish that I would quit fucking up all the time....I need drugs like so bad right now that its not even funny but I can't do it.. I'm not gonna go back to my old ways no matter how bad I want to. I've promised too many people that I wouldn't do it, one being Andy and the other being my brother.. the two most important ppl in my life, okay well I'm off here! I need a boyfriend sooooo bad right now!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Todays been such a weird day.... I woke up n got to talk to andy n was all happy and things and then my happy mood just like fell to the ground n I was sad as can be n I don't even know why..... and I took my angry n things out on andy n I never meant to do that and I feel so bad for doing it. So now he thinks that he's an asshole cause thats what I called him earlier today.... god I hate myself for doing that because andy isn't an asshole I mean he's the sweetest guy I've ever met..n he tries so hard to help people and he feels like hes failing now but in a way he isn't cause he still helps me he just doesn't see that he does. I don't know but I know that right now I'm missing him like hella bad.. like more than ever n I'm sick n tired n sad and I just wanna cry.. I wish he was on cause I really need him right now. I'm off here though! I love you Andy!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
today was bad... but right now its alright i guess i felt alot better after andy stopped drinking hes sleeping now so thats good i guess even though i really wish i could talk to him right now i really miss him=( but i guess i'll just call him later. i was so worried about him earlier n i didn't know what to do i wish i would have been there that way i would have known that he wouldn't do anything stupid n maybe if i would have been there he wouldn't have even started drinking. i care about him soo much n he doesn't see why even though i've told him a thousand times. that boy means everything to me.... i mean i don't know what i'd do without him. he talks to me when im sad, mad,frustrated, happy, weird, crazy...i mean he doesn't care wht kind of mood im in.. hes just always there to talk to me no matter what. i'm so glad that i met him n i dont know sometimes i wonder if he regrets meeting me cause of the way he acts with me sometimes.. but i don't know thats prolly just me worrying about what he thinks of me i dont really know though. i realized today that i can't be mad about him being with sydney.. i mean if he loves her then thats all that matters doesn't matter how far she lives from him.. as long as hes some what happy, wish he was completely happy but maybe someday he will be n hopefully its soon cause thats all i want is for him to be HAPPY! if hes happy then i am too.... but i'll be happy as long as hes in my life never do i wanna lose him! i love him more than anything... and not as more than my best friend anymore either... i think thats all me n him will ever be but its better that way cause i dont wanna mess up our friendship by wanting more... but i love him.. and i consider him My Andy! yeah hes sydneys too but as a boyfriend... with me... hes my andy cause hes my best friend.. kinda like a brother! so hes mine.. makes sense right? prolly not but oh well.... I love you Andy!
Today sucks! Worst day I've had all week and I hate it.... I leave tomorrow and I won't talk to Andy all weekend cause hes allowed on the phone with Sydney so he won't even think to call me... thats prolly why he didn't call me n wake me up this morning cause he was up all night talking to her. I sound jealous don't I? Thats cause I am... I hate that he has a girlfriend and really she isn't a girlfriend.. shes just a girl he talks to.. it's hard to have a girlfriend that lives in Texads I mean god.. thats so stupid. yeah I use to date people online but it just got to where it was retarded... especially when I knew I could have someone here.. n thats something that Andy just doesn't see....and I really wish that he did but I'm to the point where I dont even care anymore cause in the end it'll be his loss not mine!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I'm so sad right now =( Andy's allowed to talk to Sydney on the phone again which means I'm going to be talking to him less even though he says that isn't going to happen but it will... I know this is mean to say but I don't like it that they talk a lot cause then he kinda ignores me, but he doesn't see where he does but I do cause I'm use to talking to him all the time but when he talks to her hes like a totally different person with me and I hate it! I don't know... but I'm done complaining about it I guess....=(
Andy called me this morning! =) I got the letter that he sent me today aww it was so cute and he sent me a bracelet makes me feel all good n special... it isn't real but its still cute n at least he was thinking about me enough to get me something. I miss him so much right now and I wanna talk to him so bad.. he called me at 11 but he had to get off the phone =( so sad... and now I gotta wait until like 5 or 6 to talk to him cause he has tests all day gosh I don't know what I'm gonna do! Okay, well I'm off here! I love Andy =) and he is mine.. not boyfriend wise mine but he's still mine!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Talkin on the phone with Andy! Yay! Makes me feel all happy n things and I haven't really felt all that happy today unless I was on the phone with him and I don't know why... I guess I'm just strange. Is it weird that when I talk to Andy that I miss him? Ugh.... I'm so tired, I've had 2 hours of sleep I'm doing everything I can right now not to fall asleep on the phone with Andy. Okay well I didn't write much but yeah I'm getting off here now... I love my Andy!
Okay so I started my diet today and so far its gone good, hopefully I can stick to it which I think I'll beable to because I really want to lose weight! Ugh, I miss Andy right now, we talked all night and we haven't done that forever, but I'm glad we did cause I talked him out of doing a lot of things last night and I told him how I felt.. ended up crying and then we just talked until 5 then he called me back at 6 and then he called me back at 6:30 talked til' 7 then I ended up falling asleep. Then he called me at 9:30 and woke me up... I think thats the most that me n him has talked in a really really long time made me feel good though. Okay, I'm off here for now! I Love You Andy your the best!!!!!!!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I miss Andy so much right now like hella bad! Ugh, I had family night tonight which really sucked and I came back online n he's gone and I'm left online with nobody to talk to and yeah I'm really lonley right now... I've waited all weekend to talk to him and like actually get to talk to him and then he leaves me wth! He just went and ruined it all by getting offline.. he prolly called Meghan or something!
Friday, March 10, 2006
How come it's so easy to fall in love with someone, but it's so hard to have the other person love you back? I don't get it. I mean he says we're friends but so much more, he tells me how wonderful and amazing I am, but yet he'd rather date a girl that lives so far away. When I just live 15 minutes from him. I told him how I truly felt and he just acted like he didn't care. I told him I was depressed and yet again... he acted like he didn't care. I'm done telling him how I feel about him, he just doesn't get it, sometimes I wonder if he truly is dumb and just don't see how I feel about him, or if he just choose not to see it. He's broke my heart too many times and this time my heart isn't going to heal... He was the first guy I ever truly loved and now everything just gone. He was my everything, he had my heart and the key to it.... now I feel like I don't even have a heart.. all that's there is emptiness and loneliness....I'm lost like a little puppy and I'm just waiting to be found, I was left stranded with no one to turn too. My hearts been broken too many times by him......