Wednesday, April 26, 2006

It's been such a weird week n I can't wait for it to end... All week I've been thinking about things I shouldn't have been thinking about. I came home today n I had no offlines or anything from my best friend, so now I'm feeling like me n her is falling apart, n if anybody really knows me n talk to me then they know thats the last thing that I want. I never want to lose her, because if I do.. then I'll kill myself, I have nothing to live for other than her, and I just wish that she would see that, I wish she would know that she means everything to me, n I don't know how to make her see that. Right now I'm just lost for words, I don't know what to say.. so I'm just going to go. =\


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Everything is falling down around me... nothing has been the same in my life since I lost my grandpa, I mean Amber made me feel better yeah, but I mean she also broke my heart too, but I'm not going to let a broken heart get in my way of things. Things between me n her were just not meant to be n I'm finally realizing that, but the one thing that I'm so scared of is losing her all together. I don't know what I'd do if I did. I mean she's been there for me...always.. well.. not always.. but since I've known her she has. I mean when my grandpa died she was the first person I told.. n talked to..well I didn't really talk.. I just cried while we was on the phone.. but I mean nobody else I knew would do that, just call me up and listen to me cry, like shes the bestest friend that I got, and honestly I'd die without her, cause if it wasn't for her.. I'd be dead already.. I know that I can't be with her n I'm fine with that, but I'm always going to have feelings for her n I don't know why people just can't accept that. I mean everybody online gotta be bitchin at me and things and I'm so sick of it. I love her.. so fucking what! I know she has a girlfriend, n I'm not going to come between them, I'd feel too bad about it. But that doesn't mean that I need to stop writing about her n loving her, cause I'm always going to love her n I'm going to write about her, even if people don't like it.. I don't care anymore.. Okay... I'm done.....


Monday, April 17, 2006

todays been so so.. i miss amber like so much right now i wish she'd get on.. but no.. she gotta be sleepin! lazy ass i swear.. haha.. last night was the worst..n i felt so bad because of the stuff that happened, but i think everything okay now... i just gotta deal with the fact that i can't date amber which idk.. im not gonna say its okay. because i wanna date her..but i mean i'll wait forever for her if i have to cause yeah thats how much i love her. she means the world to me..okay.. imma stop now... i love you amber n always will!!!


Sunday, April 16, 2006

i wish that my happy happy happy mood would have lasted but fuck no it didnt.. it never does.. i hate my life so much right now like seriously i do.. n i dont want no smypathy from anyone thats not why im writing my feelings down right now... idc what people think..... ugh.. im off here.....


I hate my life.... thats all I got to say.....


Right now..... I'm so confused.... like the feelings I have in my heart right now are going crazy, and I don't know why.. for the longest time I loved someone who wasn't who they said they was. I mean I still love them, and more than anything and still wish that I could be with them, but its totally different now, because they have a girlfriend.. another one... that I guess they really love which eats me up inside but I'm trying my best not to really let it show, but I am right now since I'm writing about it. I'm crazy ain't I? probably but.. I don't care.. I love em' and I don't know what to do cause they don't love me back ='( thats all I got to say..


Saturday, April 15, 2006





There ya go Amber! I love you!


This has been such a crazy day! I got in like tons of trouble this morning because I hadn't cleaned my room which is stupid.. the only thing that was on the floor was clothes n my grandma was like flippin out! I found out things today that was good n bad in a way but more good then bad. I thought for sure I was gonna lost Andy today, and I don't know what I would have done if I would have.. I would have died like seriously... I don't know though, me n Andy are good now though, I mean was before I just felt like I was losing him... which I'm not. Which is like really really good. Okay, well I'm off here. I love you Andy!


Thursday, April 13, 2006

I'm sitting here in my room bored out of mind which thats nothing new. I feel so weird right now, its like I'm here but I don't feel like I am, my body feels numb and I'm lost of words to say. I don't know what to do, I just sit and ponder the reasons why I'm here. Each day it's like I'm losing control of myself more n more everyday...Feeling like I'm losing/lost everything I ever had then come to find I never really had it. I feel so worthless at times and I just wish I could disappear, at times I feel like I could be more than what I am, but then I realize this is all I'll ever be... a nobody just a lifeless body stuck in this world. I'm losing my faith n my will to go on, I try n try to say I'm good and fight back these tears I wanna shed. My body n mind have nothing but pain, pain from what I've went thru each n everyday. Maybe in time it'll all fade, maybe in time I'll beable to say...I like the life I live.... but only time will tell how my life will go, and that is something I dred. I'm lost in this broken smile, a broken home where I am all alone. No ones there but yet I keep calling, sooner or later I'll realize that nobody really ever cared..... I'm just covering up all my pain, with this fake smile....=\


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

bored... so so so bored.... i need someone to entertain me, anyone wanna do that? prolly not huh... so yeah... umm.. i have no idea what to write, im just bored n have nothing else to do.. cause andy isn't talking to me really n i don't know why.. i guess cause sydneys online.. i don't know, but i ain't gonna complain about it cause that'll just make things worse so im just gonna let it go... uhh... umm.. okay.. im done writing i guess.. leave me comments!

I Love EveryBody!!! Really? FUCK NO!!!!! Just Andy n Justin!!! haha...


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

ugh i hate feeling like this n i don't even know why i feel this way.. i mean i feel like im losing my best friend and i don't know why. thats the last thing i would want to do is to lose him and people say that i feel that way because i dont wanna be friend with him anymore but that is so not true! i mean i dont know what i'd do without him. i've accepted the fact that i can't be with him n that we're only going to be friends n i've moved on.. but now this jennie chick wants him and i don't know.. i don't like it!!!! i don't know why im so jealous.. i guess cause yeah im afraid he'll go out with her before me... i mean ugh.. i just don't know anymore......i guess im just afraid im gonna lose him to this girl.. i guess thats why i don't like her n the fact that she wants him..


I'm finally home, which I was all happy about until I actually got home then I just wanted to leave again n I don't know why. I just don't wanna be here for some reason. But, I'm stuck here until tomorrow.... since I'm gonna go out with Justin.. well I think anyways.. I got home n I was all excited cause I got to talk to Andy, but he wasn't really talking to me so yeah I don't know, I got kinda down. But I'm okay now I guess, just kinda sick n I'm so tired. I had to go to my old house today n I cried so much, I hate going there it just breaks my heart, I think thats why I'm so depressed right now is cause I spent almost all day helping my mom clean the rest of it and things. So yeah, right now I'm waiting for Justin to get on so I can talk to him, I haven't talked to him since Friday when he called me.. I miss him like so much! I'm also waiting for Sara to get offline so Andy can call me which I don't know if he will or not, but hopefully he does, cause I haven't talked to him at all today, except for like the 10 minutes I talked to him on messenger before I left. My head hurts so bad right now n I don't know why. Like the last few days I've had really bad headaches I think theres something wrong with my head... =\ I'm so bored!!!!! There ain't nobody online and yeah I don't know what to do.. I guess I could go take a shower.....yeah..... thats what I'll do.. I'll go take a shower.. okay.. well I'm off here!!!!! I love Andy n Justin!


Monday, April 10, 2006

Okay, so I'm home alone and bored out of my mind! I wanna talk to Andy and I can't cause yeah it's long distance and my parents are too cheap to get it! They Suck!! I swear! I'm going home tomorrow and I can't wait cause I'll get to talk to Andy as much as I want to cause I'll beable to be online as much as I want to, and I'll beable to get on Yahoo! I get to see Justin Wednesday n I can't wait. I'm all excited about it. Okay, now to who ever reads this, do you think that I'm ugly? People on Livejournal be callin me ugly and sayin I'm a whore and shit. How can someone say that your a whore and skanky when they don't even know you? I mean just random people sayin shit about me and I don't know why. I guess cause I'm friends with Andy, I don't know. I don't see why they say shit about him either! Oh well.. They just losers. They jealous cause they can't be as cool as me n Andy. That's what there problem is! haha.. yeah right! Okay, I'm off here!!!!! Leave me Comments people!!!!!!!!!! I love you Andy!


Friday, April 07, 2006

I'm bored out of my mind right now.. I just wanna scream but I can't. I found some things out earlier that I wish I wouldn't have.. but yeah oh well I guess. Andy's back with Sydney, which I don't mind that...what I do mind is that he didn't tell me. I mean yesterday he told me that she was his girlfriend and things, and I don't know why he told me that, unless he thought I was gonna get mad or something. which I wouldn't have. I mean I know he loves her so yeah I'm fine with it. I don't know it just bothers me that he didn't tell me n he told Tina before me which really really bothers me. I mean I'm his best friend not her! He should tell me things before anybody else.Okay so anyways enough about that.. My weekend is going to suck! I have to go to my moms n watch my brother, n I was suppose to go out with Justin saturday night n yeah that ain't gonna happen now.. it was still gonna happen but my mom said I couldn't go cause I have to stay home saturday night n watch dakota while her n dad go out so yeah I'm stuck at home. Oh well though I guess.. I'm sure my brother will find something for me to do. I don't know.. I miss Andy! He needs to wake up so we can talk.. n I miss Justin.. which.. I don't know I'm not gonna get to talk to him until later tonight but yeah. Okay, I'm done writing!!!!! LEAVE ME COMMENTS PPL!

I love Justin and Andy!


Thursday, April 06, 2006

As you turn to walk away
My tears fall down like rain
I pray to the angels, Give me one more day
Help me release my pain
I hear a voice say to me
‘Cut yourself, then you’ll see’
Another voice is my head
‘Problems go away when you’re dead’
These ideas turn over in my head
I think, Is it true
Am I better off dead?
It seems like you’ve always been gone
Though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along
I look to the sky and pray
God give me one more day
Please don’t let this be the end
I just want to start all over again
I feel an emptiness inside
A part of me has already died
All we had started to disappear
I say to myself, why am I still here?
What I wouldn’t give for one more kiss
Now all I have to say is this:
Live long
Die slow
Love lost
Let go
Nothing to live for
So why not die?
Pull the trigger…
Scream Good-Bye


I'm so bored right now.. Nobody's online.. Andy's prolly still sleeping so I can't call him. He's suppose to call me at 10 but I highly doubt that he will cause he probably won't get up, but I don't know he might! I'm actually in a good mood for once.. hopefully it just stays that way n I have a good day n it don't get fucked up some how or another, but it probably will cause it usually does! I have so many people hating me right now n I don't even know why. I mean I know why Sydney hates me.. n it's because of Andy, but I don't really know why it's because of him. I mean I didn't do anything, I'm not dating him... nothings changed between me n him except for the fact that he told me that he thinks hes falling in love with me.. but thats it. Which I don't even think she knows that. So I don't know.. but I honestly don't really care either.. So it's all good. Okay.. I'm off here...


Sunday, April 02, 2006

I'm so sick... n.. yeah nobody knows how truley sick I really am which is kinda good that way people don't worry but I don't know maybe I should tell someone... someone being andy. I don't know though.. I hate the fact that he's gonna lose me n I'm gonna be losing everything I have including my.. uhh.. yeah.. nvm. But todays a down day. I feel like crap n I know why which scares me cause I don't know what to do=\ ugh.. my stomach hurts so bad.. n I miss andy even though we just got off the phone n im talking to him right now, thats kinda weird huh. but I always miss him. okay well I guess imma stop writing... I love you Andy!


About Me:


Name: Shandi
Age: 17 years old
Location: Lancaster, Ohio
Birthday: September 13th


>>I Love Amber! <<

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