Tuesday, May 30, 2006


So last night.. was a really bad night. Somebody told me a lot of stuff that really made me feel bad.... I try so hard to make people happy n I don't know I shouldn't because I don't make em happy I guess, so I don't know. I can't be perfect like some people are... like Amber girlfriend Sierra... I got compared to her last night.. n thats really what hurt me the most, because I'm not good enough for Amber, at least thats how it seemed. N I only tell Amber not to do somethings because I don't want her getting hurt... she's my best friend n I'm just trying to keep her safe, but nobody else see's that, so I don't know. But I'm done writing for now. I Love You Amber....


Sunday, May 28, 2006

I got home at like 8 this morning everything was fine until I asked if I could go to Amber's n then my grandma just flips out on me... n I started crying because she was being really mean.. then I called Amber.. n I wasn't even allowed to go over to her house anyways.. her mom's keeping me n her from seeing each other.. I tried telling Amber that it was because she didn't like me.. but Amber's all like no.. my mom likes you n things but yeah I don't really think she does, but I don't know. I miss Amber like so much right now.. grrrr.... it's kinda bringing me down. but I'm gonna think of happy things... My grandma told me to move out if I was so unhappy here.. n omg I so wish I could.. I wish I could move in with AMber.. haha... but yeah her parents wouldn't let me n yeah amber would get sick of me.. well I gotta get off here n stop writing.. got a bed room to clean.. ugh.. don't want to but yeah. I love you amber n I'm sorry if I did anything. okay? I love you amber more than anything....=)


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I don't know how to explain it,
If only you could truly see,
How much I really care for you,
How much you mean to me.
I look forward to seeing you every day,
The grin that belongs only to you,
When I see you I can't help but smile,
There is just something about you.
When you put your hand in mine,
My heart suddenly beats faster,
I wish I could tell you right then and there,
That my life could never be better.
When you wrap your arms around me,
For a simple, gentle hug,
I want to stay in that moment forever,
And tell you how much you really are loved.
When we gradually come close enough together,
Our lips touch, a kiss,
Nothing around us seems to matter,
Because there is nothing sweeter than this.
No words could ever express how much you mean to me,
I hope you have these feelings for me, too;
I can't figure out just what it is,
But there is definitely something very special about you.

***~~~***I LOVE AMBER***~~~***


Monday, May 22, 2006

So lately I've been thinking about my past a lot n I don't know why. But it's been really bring me down. I wish that I could just forget about everything that happened in my past. I think the best thing that is kinda behind me is me meeting Amber n Sara. Especially Amber cause me n her been best friends since we met basically. She's been through some of the hard times n my life with me n I'm actually still surprised that shes still by my side, but I'm really glad she is. I was talking about my dad over the weekend n I still don't understand why he stays away from me. I mean amber, sara n megan are all like he wants to see you n things, I just don't see it cause I mean if he wanted to see me then he would. He wouldn't just stay away.. I mean he could pick up a phone n call me, but no he doesn't. He doesn't do anything n he never has. I mean all my life I grew up without a dad n I thought something was wrong with me cause all my friends had dad's n I was the only one who didn't. I remember asking my mom one year for a dad for christmas n it broke her heart. I just wish I could be born again n have my dad there...but I know that ain't gonna happen so I should just stop wishing he was in my life... I'm done writing now, I've wrote too much.


Friday, May 19, 2006

I can't wait until 3 like it seems so far away n its not... like it feels like its never going to come.. grrr.... haha.. I can't wait to see Amber.. I haven't seen her since Tuesday!!!!!!! Hahaha... Okay, well thats all I gots to say..


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Today has been really shitty.... I've been up for an hour n it's already bad n I'm already thinking things I shouldn't be thinking n I don't know why. I had fun last night.. a lot of fun.. walking with no shoes on.. stopping like a jillion times to pull my pants up.. haha... it was fun. n I was with Amber so made it even better. I don't know if she had a good time or not though. I think she kinda mad at me cause of Marley n me not liking her, but I don't know maybe thats just me. My life sucks basically... my grandma thinks I'm gay because I'm friends with Amber but oh well I don't care if she thinks that, I mean its stupid to think that just because I'm friends with someone that is. I can't stand her sometimes, like last night when we was getting close to my house I just hated it so bad n I got so depressed because I had to leave. I was having fun with Amber n her family... then I have to go home to my grandma =\ Grrr.... I hate it! I hate it here so bad, I can't wait to get out... Okay, well I'm done writing. I love you Amber n I hope that your not mad at me.


Monday, May 15, 2006

It's 10:56. I get to call Amber in 4 minutes.. I've been trying to call her but it's busy.. so yeah I'm wondering who shes talking to cause she ain't online. But I don't know.. ummm.. I get to see Amber tomorrow I'm all excited about it.. uhh.. umm.. yeah thats it.....


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I'm bored out of my fucking mind right now!!!! I'm in a really good mood though n n n I miss my Amber.... She's watching peverted justice.. haha.. that sounds so funny!!!! I'm talking to Sara right now cause she online n n n she's cool! She my homie G!! Fo' Real!!!! LOL!!!!! Okay, I'm done.. I'm gone..... lol... I love you Amber!!!!!!!


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Ugh.. Today was such a messed up day.. but it got better.. A LOT better.... but I really wish that the shit that happened today wouldn't have happened. but I guess in the end it worked out for the best.. but still... so much drama n I don't know... So I was talking to Dakota earlier on the phone... n he was all talking about horses jumping over a fence n landing on monkeys.. it was funny.. then when I called him.. he answers the phone n hes all like "Bob's Super Market, How can I help You?" LOL it was funny cause he was trying to sound like a chick! lol HaHa.. I'm so bored right now...I'm talking to Sara n Mike... Sara's all thinking that me n Amber lieing to her about something... n we isn't... n I don't know... Grrr... I'm so flipping bored.. like out of my f'n mind I swear!!!!! Okay well I'm off here... Gotta take a shower, then call Amber.. then call Mike... then.. umm... Go to bed.. So... I Love Ya'll... haha No I don't.. Just Amber n Sara..... They my Homies.. LOL!!!!!!


Monday, May 08, 2006

Todays been an okay day. I talked to Amber until almost 3 but then I went with Jackie n momma Tonda....which I shouldn't have done that cause Jackies all having mood swings n shit and she gave me a headache from fucking yelling so damn much. I need to come up with $20 so I can get something pierced. We went into the tattoo shop n yeah I want something pierced like really bad. I just need to find money! I'm like so sad right now because I miss Amber so freakin much!!! I wish she wouldn't have had to go home yesterday... I wanted her to hide under my bed so she wouldn't have to go but... yeah that wouldn't have worked =( Okay... Well I guess I'm done writing... I Love You Amber, more than anything. Your my Angel!!!!!


I'm slipping away from life, my faith is running low. My eyes are so tired of crying n my heart is so tired of trying. I love you more than anything but I get nothing in return. I mean nothing to you, I'm just another face in the crowd nobody's ever going to point out. This is my good bye to you, I can't take this pain any longer. One cut after another blood flowing so pure like it was meant to be. My worries all gone, my pain I have no more.....I did this because of you... n now I'm dead......


Sunday, May 07, 2006

I'm so bored right now. I'm talking to Amber which is fun! =) So I had like the greatest weekend ever! It was the best, I can't remember a time when I had so much fun, I was with the person I love n uh.. yeah thats basically the only reason it was the best! We wents bowling last night.. haha.. I was horrible at it. Amber beat us n the last game haha... shes a hustler! haha!!! Hmm... okay.. I got nothing else to say! I Love My Amber!!!!!!


Thursday, May 04, 2006

I wish you were here I Miss You more Each second I breathe You Restin' In Peace Forever I'm acceptin' you free A blessin to me I see you dressed in all black Smilin at me Happy, knowin everything's alright If Only I could hear your voice and your laughter Just one more time My chest would be filled up with sunshine. August 11, '04 Thats when the gates of heaven opened up for you to stoll thru.
R.I.P *~*David Charles Watkins*~* "My Big Brother"
November 6, 1984- August 11, 2004

Hell is where I am, so dark, so cold, so lonely
No one else is here, I am the one and only
I sit here in the dark and think of my sad life
I should have ended it all when I had the knife
Why was I the chosen one- taken to this place?
Maybe, 'cuz to people I mean nothing, I was born the world to disgrace
I hurt inside real badly, no one cares to see my tears
I have no happy feelings in me, I haven't for 17 years.
Nothing makes me happy, that's not the way it goes
I hide all my pain with a fake smile... I'll never let it show
People will never see exactly who I am
And even if they cared to try, they'd never understand
So, for now, I'll sit here all alone, isolated from the world
forever lifeless, depressed and full of tears...
an unhappy little girl



"Die"
All I wanna do is die
I've cried my last tear for you
You've pushed me so far, that I just
wanna die.
You broke my heart one too many times.
Now it's time for me to say good-bye.
I cut my wrist to see how much of your memory i can bleed.
I'm dieing to make your life easier, so you don't have me to always worry about me.
Never in my life have I felt this bad.
Never in my life did I think it would
be over a guy.
Now watch me cry...as I die.
Just remember that your the reason I'm doing this....
and in time maybe you'll realize what you missed.
1/17/06

Darkness in my soul... emptiness in my eyes. my brothers gone and life is cold and dark. The pain hurts deep within. Blood flows from my wrist like a river so pure. Softly killing myself day by day... so watch me bleed and watch me die.. for tonight is my last night. 5/21/05

"Untitled"
sitting here going crazy thinkin bout what could have been. Wonderin what happened to you and why you just left without a word. Was you cheatin, or just tired of me. what went wrong. baby please tell me.
I'm crazy thinkin bout you, can't go on another day without you boy. my friends tell me to just move on cause you weren't worth anything, but baby they didn't see you like i saw you. so they can't say nuttin!
Boy I love you more than ever.
how could you break my heart like that.
you said you loved me and then just walked out
never thought an angel like you could ever break my heart.
Saw you the other day walkin down the street.....
you had a girl by your side guess you forgot about me.
2 years and you just find someone else... i must not have meant too much to you...
tell me how you really felt.. did you ever love me? or was I just your toy?
Boy I love you more than ever.
how could you break my heart like that.
you said you loved me and then just walked out
never thought an angel like you could ever break my heart. 4/26/05


"Forbidden"

My heart is like a river,
that runs so very deep.
In this river, in my heart,
there floats a secret love,
A love I cannot keep.
This love is for a short time,
to this I can abide,
but what I feel so deep inside
I surely cannot hide.
I want to hold you so bad,
within my loving arms;
I want to give my whole self up
to you and all your charms.
How do I fight these feelings
I have so deep for you
when all I want inside my heart
is to only be loving you.
I will adhere to your wishes,
I will not hound or fight
but when I go within myself
I will think of you day and night.
This love we have is forbidden,
we both belong to others
but until the day we have to part
we will forever be starcrossed lovers.
I give this passionate kiss to you,
this is yours to reap,
until the day when the time is right-
that you and I finally meet.
Until that day is upon us,
this secret we must keep,
this love I have within my heart
forever will be sweet...


Untitled
Let's go to bed with our shoes on and jump rope in the rain
chase butterflies and sunrays and steal gold
from that infamous pot at the end of the rainbow
Let's ride backwards on horseback and eat ice cream with a fork
Let's be young and reckless and throw away our worries with the trash
Let's scream at the moon and shoot down the stars with water
Let's pray to the sun while it warms our skin
and sip lemonade through our noses
Let's walk barefoot through the grass and tell each other secrets
Let's laugh for hours until our sides ache and tears form in our eyes
Let's love each other for a lifetime
and hold hands until our palms grow slick with sweat
Let's remember days gone by... never to return
Let's share tender moments which cause us to blush
Let's be together, forever until our eyesight fades
and our hair turns gray
Let's walk side by side down an empty street and scream at the wind
Let's read each other books of dragons
and knights and dream of faraway lands
Let's be together forever, even after death
when we meet up in heaven and chase winged angels
Let's be lovers and friends and so much more to ourselves and others
and comfort one another in times of sadness
Lets be together for forever and ever and ever...


For My Grandpa...
i knew this man who is dear to my heart. suddenly one day it was all torn apart. this man taught me everything i needed to know, but i never really listened until he had to go. he gave me love and touched my life. it's all over now he no long has to fight. he tried to teach me right from wrong. the day he left... i wasn't very strong. he is gone now, its so hard to believe. this man is MY Grandpa. who in time i'll see.i'll see him again, this i know. the day will come when its my turn to go. so i'll hold him dear and close to my heart cause the day we meet i know we'll never be torn apart.
R.I.P *~*Charles Thomas Souders*~*
December 10, 1945 - December 3, 2005


Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Ambers staying this weekend woohoo! I wish my brother could stay this weekend though, my mom is being such a bitch.. n I flipped out on her earlier n she told me I wasn't going to see my brother for a long time.. I cried.. I've never cried because of something like that before. She made me feel like I was nothing, cause she was talking about how she didn't need me n her life n shit.. but whatever I guess... shes a bitch so.. thats that! Hopefully I'm not all depressed n shit Friday when Ambers here. Okay, Well... .I'm off here!!!


About Me:


Name: Shandi
Age: 17 years old
Location: Lancaster, Ohio
Birthday: September 13th


>>I Love Amber! <<

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I use to write on here like every day now I barely...
I'm so bored right now.. nobody's online n Amber'...
So last night.. was a really bad night. Somebody ...
I got home at like 8 this morning everything was f...
I don't know how to explain it, If only you could ...
So lately I've been thinking about my past a lot n...
I can't wait until 3 like it seems so far away n i...
Today has been really shitty.... I've been up for ...
It's 10:56. I get to call Amber in 4 minutes.. I'v...
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