...nothing but pain...

2006-06-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

I use to write on here like every day now I barely ever write on here. hmm..what to write about.. umm... I'm staying with Amber Friday night ^_^ can't wait. I hope she isn't mad at me, like I was in a really sad mood last night n I don't know.. I'm kinda afraid I made her mad at me or something, I hope I didn't. But I don't know I haven't got to talk to her since so... I don't really know if I did or not. n Amber I don't mean to always be sorry..I just always feel like I should be for some reason n I don't know why. But I'm workin on it.. but it's hard... n I'm gonna try not to be so sorry all the time.. so yeah. okay.. I don't know what else to write. I love you Amber.. your the bestest!

2006-06-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

I'm so bored right now.. nobody's online n Amber's sleeping so I can't talk to her.Umm.. I had a good weekend, I'm having a good morning.. everything right now is A okay. haha..I don't know what else to say right now.. I'm lost for words... for the first time in a long time I don't know what to say.. hahahaha.. Okay, going now.. I love you Amber.

2006-05-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

So last night.. was a really bad night. Somebody told me a lot of stuff that really made me feel bad.... I try so hard to make people happy n I don't know I shouldn't because I don't make em happy I guess, so I don't know. I can't be perfect like some people are... like Amber girlfriend Sierra... I got compared to her last night.. n thats really what hurt me the most, because I'm not good enough for Amber, at least thats how it seemed. N I only tell Amber not to do somethings because I don't want her getting hurt... she's my best friend n I'm just trying to keep her safe, but nobody else see's that, so I don't know. But I'm done writing for now. I Love You Amber....

2006-05-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I got home at like 8 this morning everything was fine until I asked if I could go to Amber's n then my grandma just flips out on me... n I started crying because she was being really mean.. then I called Amber.. n I wasn't even allowed to go over to her house anyways.. her mom's keeping me n her from seeing each other.. I tried telling Amber that it was because she didn't like me.. but Amber's all like no.. my mom likes you n things but yeah I don't really think she does, but I don't know. I miss Amber like so much right now.. grrrr.... it's kinda bringing me down. but I'm gonna think of happy things... My grandma told me to move out if I was so unhappy here.. n omg I so wish I could.. I wish I could move in with AMber.. haha... but yeah her parents wouldn't let me n yeah amber would get sick of me.. well I gotta get off here n stop writing.. got a bed room to clean.. ugh.. don't want to but yeah. I love you amber n I'm sorry if I did anything. okay? I love you amber more than anything....=)

2006-05-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to explain it,
If only you could truly see,
How much I really care for you,
How much you mean to me.
I look forward to seeing you every day,
The grin that belongs only to you,
When I see you I can't help but smile,
There is just something about you.
When you put your hand in mine,
My heart suddenly beats faster,
I wish I could tell you right then and there,
That my life could never be better.
When you wrap your arms around me,
For a simple, gentle hug,
I want to stay in that moment forever,
And tell you how much you really are loved.
When we gradually come close enough together,
Our lips touch, a kiss,
Nothing around us seems to matter,
Because there is nothing sweeter than this.
No words could ever express how much you mean to me,
I hope you have these feelings for me, too;
I can't figure out just what it is,
But there is definitely something very special about you.
***~~~***I LOVE AMBER***~~~***

2006-05-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

So lately I've been thinking about my past a lot n I don't know why. But it's been really bring me down. I wish that I could just forget about everything that happened in my past. I think the best thing that is kinda behind me is me meeting Amber n Sara. Especially Amber cause me n her been best friends since we met basically. She's been through some of the hard times n my life with me n I'm actually still surprised that shes still by my side, but I'm really glad she is. I was talking about my dad over the weekend n I still don't understand why he stays away from me. I mean amber, sara n megan are all like he wants to see you n things, I just don't see it cause I mean if he wanted to see me then he would. He wouldn't just stay away.. I mean he could pick up a phone n call me, but no he doesn't. He doesn't do anything n he never has. I mean all my life I grew up without a dad n I thought something was wrong with me cause all my friends had dad's n I was the only one who didn't. I remember asking my mom one year for a dad for christmas n it broke her heart. I just wish I could be born again n have my dad there...but I know that ain't gonna happen so I should just stop wishing he was in my life... I'm done writing now, I've wrote too much.

2006-05-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

I can't wait until 3 like it seems so far away n its not... like it feels like its never going to come.. grrr.... haha.. I can't wait to see Amber.. I haven't seen her since Tuesday!!!!!!! Hahaha... Okay, well thats all I gots to say..

2006-05-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Today has been really shitty.... I've been up for an hour n it's already bad n I'm already thinking things I shouldn't be thinking n I don't know why. I had fun last night.. a lot of fun.. walking with no shoes on.. stopping like a jillion times to pull my pants up.. haha... it was fun. n I was with Amber so made it even better. I don't know if she had a good time or not though. I think she kinda mad at me cause of Marley n me not liking her, but I don't know maybe thats just me. My life sucks basically... my grandma thinks I'm gay because I'm friends with Amber but oh well I don't care if she thinks that, I mean its stupid to think that just because I'm friends with someone that is. I can't stand her sometimes, like last night when we was getting close to my house I just hated it so bad n I got so depressed because I had to leave. I was having fun with Amber n her family... then I have to go home to my grandma =\ Grrr.... I hate it! I hate it here so bad, I can't wait to get out... Okay, well I'm done writing. I love you Amber n I hope that your not mad at me.

2006-05-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

It's 10:56. I get to call Amber in 4 minutes.. I've been trying to call her but it's busy.. so yeah I'm wondering who shes talking to cause she ain't online. But I don't know.. ummm.. I get to see Amber tomorrow I'm all excited about it.. uhh.. umm.. yeah thats it.....

2006-05-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

I'm bored out of my fucking mind right now!!!! I'm in a really good mood though n n n I miss my Amber.... She's watching peverted justice.. haha.. that sounds so funny!!!! I'm talking to Sara right now cause she online n n n she's cool! She my homie G!! Fo' Real!!!! LOL!!!!! Okay, I'm done.. I'm gone..... lol... I love you Amber!!!!!!!

2006-05-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

Ugh.. Today was such a messed up day.. but it got better.. A LOT better.... but I really wish that the shit that happened today wouldn't have happened. but I guess in the end it worked out for the best.. but still... so much drama n I don't know... So I was talking to Dakota earlier on the phone... n he was all talking about horses jumping over a fence n landing on monkeys.. it was funny.. then when I called him.. he answers the phone n hes all like "Bob's Super Market, How can I help You?" LOL it was funny cause he was trying to sound like a chick! lol HaHa.. I'm so bored right now...I'm talking to Sara n Mike... Sara's all thinking that me n Amber lieing to her about something... n we isn't... n I don't know... Grrr... I'm so flipping bored.. like out of my f'n mind I swear!!!!! Okay well I'm off here... Gotta take a shower, then call Amber.. then call Mike... then.. umm... Go to bed.. So... I Love Ya'll... haha No I don't.. Just Amber n Sara..... They my Homies.. LOL!!!!!!

2006-05-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

Todays been an okay day. I talked to Amber until almost 3 but then I went with Jackie n momma Tonda....which I shouldn't have done that cause Jackies all having mood swings n shit and she gave me a headache from fucking yelling so damn much. I need to come up with $20 so I can get something pierced. We went into the tattoo shop n yeah I want something pierced like really bad. I just need to find money! I'm like so sad right now because I miss Amber so freakin much!!! I wish she wouldn't have had to go home yesterday... I wanted her to hide under my bed so she wouldn't have to go but... yeah that wouldn't have worked =( Okay... Well I guess I'm done writing... I Love You Amber, more than anything. Your my Angel!!!!!

2006-05-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

I'm slipping away from life, my faith is running low. My eyes are so tired of crying n my heart is so tired of trying. I love you more than anything but I get nothing in return. I mean nothing to you, I'm just another face in the crowd nobody's ever going to point out. This is my good bye to you, I can't take this pain any longer. One cut after another blood flowing so pure like it was meant to be. My worries all gone, my pain I have no more.....I did this because of you... n now I'm dead......

2006-05-07T18:59:00.000-07:00

I'm so bored right now. I'm talking to Amber which is fun! =) So I had like the greatest weekend ever! It was the best, I can't remember a time when I had so much fun, I was with the person I love n uh.. yeah thats basically the only reason it was the best! We wents bowling last night.. haha.. I was horrible at it. Amber beat us n the last game haha... shes a hustler! haha!!! Hmm... okay.. I got nothing else to say! I Love My Amber!!!!!!

2006-05-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

I wish you were here I Miss You more Each second I breathe You Restin' In Peace Forever I'm acceptin' you free A blessin to me I see you dressed in all black Smilin at me Happy, knowin everything's alright If Only I could hear your voice and your laughter Just one more time My chest would be filled up with sunshine. August 11, '04 Thats when the gates of heaven opened up for you to stoll thru.
R.I.P *~*David Charles Watkins*~* "My Big Brother"
November 6, 1984- August 11, 2004

Hell is where I am, so dark, so cold, so lonely
No one else is here, I am the one and only
I sit here in the dark and think of my sad life
I should have ended it all when I had the knife
Why was I the chosen one- taken to this place?
Maybe, 'cuz to people I mean nothing, I was born the world to disgrace
I hurt inside real badly, no one cares to see my tears
I have no happy feelings in me, I haven't for 17 years.
Nothing makes me happy, that's not the way it goes
I hide all my pain with a fake smile... I'll never let it show
People will never see exactly who I am
And even if they cared to try, they'd never understand
So, for now, I'll sit here all alone, isolated from the world
forever lifeless, depressed and full of tears...
an unhappy little girl

"Die"
All I wanna do is die
I've cried my last tear for you
You've pushed me so far, that I just
wanna die.
You broke my heart one too many times.
Now it's time for me to say good-bye.
I cut my wrist to see how much of your memory i can bleed.
I'm dieing to make your life easier, so you don't have me to always worry about me.
Never in my life have I felt this bad.
Never in my life did I think it would
be over a guy.
Now watch me cry...as I die.
Just remember that your the reason I'm doing this....
and in time maybe you'll realize what you missed.
1/17/06

Darkness in my soul... emptiness in my eyes. my brothers gone and life is cold and dark. The pain hurts deep within. Blood flows from my wrist like a river so pure. Softly killing myself day by day... so watch me bleed and watch me die.. for tonight is my last night. 5/21/05

"Untitled"
sitting here going crazy thinkin bout what could have been. Wonderin what happened to you and why you just left without a word. Was you cheatin, or just tired of me. what went wrong. baby please tell me.
I'm crazy thinkin bout you, can't go on another day without you boy. my friends tell me to just move on cause you weren't worth anything, but baby they didn't see you like i saw you. so they can't say nuttin!
Boy I love you more than ever.
how could you break my heart like that.
you said you loved me and then just walked out
never thought an angel like you could ever break my heart.
Saw you the other day walkin down the street.....
you had a girl by your side guess you forgot about me.
2 years and you just find someone else... i must not have meant too much to you...
tell me how you really felt.. did you ever love me? or was I just your toy?
Boy I love you more than ever.
how could you break my heart like that.
you said you loved me and then just walked out
never thought an angel like you could ever break my heart. 4/26/05

"Forbidden"

My heart is like a river,
that runs so very deep.
In this river, in my heart,
there floats a secret love,
A love I cannot keep.
This love is for a short time,
to this I can abide,
but what I feel so deep inside
I surely cannot hide.
I want to hold you so bad,
within my loving arms;
I want to give my whole self up
to you and all your charms.
How do I fight these feelings
I have so deep for you
when all I want inside my heart
is to only be loving you.
I will adhere to your wishes,
I will not hound or fight
but when I go within myself
I will think of you day and night.
This love we have is forbidden,
we both belong to others
but until the day we have to part
we will forever be starcrossed lovers.
I give this passionate kiss to you,
this is yours to reap,
until the day when the time is right-
that you and I finally meet.
Until that day is upon us,
this secret we must keep,
this love I have within my heart
forever will be sweet...

Untitled
Let's go to bed with our shoes on and jump rope in the rain
chase butterflies and sunrays and steal gold
from that infamous pot at the end of the rainbow
Let's ride backwards on horseback and eat ice cream with a fork
Let's be young and reckless and throw away our worries with the trash
Let's scream at the moon and shoot down the stars with water
Let's pray to the sun while it warms our skin
and sip lemonade through our noses
Let's walk barefoot through the grass and tell each other secrets
Let's laugh for hours until our sides ache and tears form in our eyes
Let's love each other for a lifetime
and hold hands until our palms grow slick with sweat
Let's remember days gone by... never to return
Let's share tender moments which cause us to blush
Let's be together, forever until our eyesight fades
and our hair turns gray
Let's walk side by side down an empty street and scream at the wind
Let's read each other books of dragons
and knights and dream of faraway lands
Let's be together forever, even after death
when we meet up in heaven and chase winged angels
Let's be lovers and friends and so much more to ourselves and others
and comfort one another in times of sadness
Lets be together for forever and ever and ever...

For My Grandpa...
i knew this man who is dear to my heart. suddenly one day it was all torn apart. this man taught me everything i needed to know, but i never really listened until he had to go. he gave me love and touched my life. it's all over now he no long has to fight. he tried to teach me right from wrong. the day he left... i wasn't very strong. he is gone now, its so hard to believe. this man is MY Grandpa. who in time i'll see.i'll see him again, this i know. the day will come when its my turn to go. so i'll hold him dear and close to my heart cause the day we meet i know we'll never be torn apart.
R.I.P *~*Charles Thomas Souders*~*
December 10, 1945 - December 3, 2005

2006-05-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

Ambers staying this weekend woohoo! I wish my brother could stay this weekend though, my mom is being such a bitch.. n I flipped out on her earlier n she told me I wasn't going to see my brother for a long time.. I cried.. I've never cried because of something like that before. She made me feel like I was nothing, cause she was talking about how she didn't need me n her life n shit.. but whatever I guess... shes a bitch so.. thats that! Hopefully I'm not all depressed n shit Friday when Ambers here. Okay, Well... .I'm off here!!!

2006-04-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's been such a weird week n I can't wait for it to end... All week I've been thinking about things I shouldn't have been thinking about. I came home today n I had no offlines or anything from my best friend, so now I'm feeling like me n her is falling apart, n if anybody really knows me n talk to me then they know thats the last thing that I want. I never want to lose her, because if I do.. then I'll kill myself, I have nothing to live for other than her, and I just wish that she would see that, I wish she would know that she means everything to me, n I don't know how to make her see that. Right now I'm just lost for words, I don't know what to say.. so I'm just going to go. =\

2006-04-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

Everything is falling down around me... nothing has been the same in my life since I lost my grandpa, I mean Amber made me feel better yeah, but I mean she also broke my heart too, but I'm not going to let a broken heart get in my way of things. Things between me n her were just not meant to be n I'm finally realizing that, but the one thing that I'm so scared of is losing her all together. I don't know what I'd do if I did. I mean she's been there for me...always.. well.. not always.. but since I've known her she has. I mean when my grandpa died she was the first person I told.. n talked to..well I didn't really talk.. I just cried while we was on the phone.. but I mean nobody else I knew would do that, just call me up and listen to me cry, like shes the bestest friend that I got, and honestly I'd die without her, cause if it wasn't for her.. I'd be dead already.. I know that I can't be with her n I'm fine with that, but I'm always going to have feelings for her n I don't know why people just can't accept that. I mean everybody online gotta be bitchin at me and things and I'm so sick of it. I love her.. so fucking what! I know she has a girlfriend, n I'm not going to come between them, I'd feel too bad about it. But that doesn't mean that I need to stop writing about her n loving her, cause I'm always going to love her n I'm going to write about her, even if people don't like it.. I don't care anymore.. Okay... I'm done.....

2006-04-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

todays been so so.. i miss amber like so much right now i wish she'd get on.. but no.. she gotta be sleepin! lazy ass i swear.. haha.. last night was the worst..n i felt so bad because of the stuff that happened, but i think everything okay now... i just gotta deal with the fact that i can't date amber which idk.. im not gonna say its okay. because i wanna date her..but i mean i'll wait forever for her if i have to cause yeah thats how much i love her. she means the world to me..okay.. imma stop now... i love you amber n always will!!!

2006-04-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

i wish that my happy happy happy mood would have lasted but fuck no it didnt.. it never does.. i hate my life so much right now like seriously i do.. n i dont want no smypathy from anyone thats not why im writing my feelings down right now... idc what people think..... ugh.. im off here.....

2006-04-16T23:08:00.000-07:00

I hate my life.... thats all I got to say.....

2006-04-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

Right now..... I'm so confused.... like the feelings I have in my heart right now are going crazy, and I don't know why.. for the longest time I loved someone who wasn't who they said they was. I mean I still love them, and more than anything and still wish that I could be with them, but its totally different now, because they have a girlfriend.. another one... that I guess they really love which eats me up inside but I'm trying my best not to really let it show, but I am right now since I'm writing about it. I'm crazy ain't I? probably but.. I don't care.. I love em' and I don't know what to do cause they don't love me back ='( thats all I got to say..

2006-04-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

There ya go Amber! I love you!

2006-04-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

This has been such a crazy day! I got in like tons of trouble this morning because I hadn't cleaned my room which is stupid.. the only thing that was on the floor was clothes n my grandma was like flippin out! I found out things today that was good n bad in a way but more good then bad. I thought for sure I was gonna lost Andy today, and I don't know what I would have done if I would have.. I would have died like seriously... I don't know though, me n Andy are good now though, I mean was before I just felt like I was losing him... which I'm not. Which is like really really good. Okay, well I'm off here. I love you Andy!

2006-04-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in my room bored out of mind which thats nothing new. I feel so weird right now, its like I'm here but I don't feel like I am, my body feels numb and I'm lost of words to say. I don't know what to do, I just sit and ponder the reasons why I'm here. Each day it's like I'm losing control of myself more n more everyday...Feeling like I'm losing/lost everything I ever had then come to find I never really had it. I feel so worthless at times and I just wish I could disappear, at times I feel like I could be more than what I am, but then I realize this is all I'll ever be... a nobody just a lifeless body stuck in this world. I'm losing my faith n my will to go on, I try n try to say I'm good and fight back these tears I wanna shed. My body n mind have nothing but pain, pain from what I've went thru each n everyday. Maybe in time it'll all fade, maybe in time I'll beable to say...I like the life I live.... but only time will tell how my life will go, and that is something I dred. I'm lost in this broken smile, a broken home where I am all alone. No ones there but yet I keep calling, sooner or later I'll realize that nobody really ever cared..... I'm just covering up all my pain, with this fake smile....=\

2006-04-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

bored... so so so bored.... i need someone to entertain me, anyone wanna do that? prolly not huh... so yeah... umm.. i have no idea what to write, im just bored n have nothing else to do.. cause andy isn't talking to me really n i don't know why.. i guess cause sydneys online.. i don't know, but i ain't gonna complain about it cause that'll just make things worse so im just gonna let it go... uhh... umm.. okay.. im done writing i guess.. leave me comments!

I Love EveryBody!!! Really? FUCK NO!!!!! Just Andy n Justin!!! haha...

2006-04-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

ugh i hate feeling like this n i don't even know why i feel this way.. i mean i feel like im losing my best friend and i don't know why. thats the last thing i would want to do is to lose him and people say that i feel that way because i dont wanna be friend with him anymore but that is so not true! i mean i dont know what i'd do without him. i've accepted the fact that i can't be with him n that we're only going to be friends n i've moved on.. but now this jennie chick wants him and i don't know.. i don't like it!!!! i don't know why im so jealous.. i guess cause yeah im afraid he'll go out with her before me... i mean ugh.. i just don't know anymore......i guess im just afraid im gonna lose him to this girl.. i guess thats why i don't like her n the fact that she wants him..

2006-04-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm finally home, which I was all happy about until I actually got home then I just wanted to leave again n I don't know why. I just don't wanna be here for some reason. But, I'm stuck here until tomorrow.... since I'm gonna go out with Justin.. well I think anyways.. I got home n I was all excited cause I got to talk to Andy, but he wasn't really talking to me so yeah I don't know, I got kinda down. But I'm okay now I guess, just kinda sick n I'm so tired. I had to go to my old house today n I cried so much, I hate going there it just breaks my heart, I think thats why I'm so depressed right now is cause I spent almost all day helping my mom clean the rest of it and things. So yeah, right now I'm waiting for Justin to get on so I can talk to him, I haven't talked to him since Friday when he called me.. I miss him like so much! I'm also waiting for Sara to get offline so Andy can call me which I don't know if he will or not, but hopefully he does, cause I haven't talked to him at all today, except for like the 10 minutes I talked to him on messenger before I left. My head hurts so bad right now n I don't know why. Like the last few days I've had really bad headaches I think theres something wrong with my head... =\ I'm so bored!!!!! There ain't nobody online and yeah I don't know what to do.. I guess I could go take a shower.....yeah..... thats what I'll do.. I'll go take a shower.. okay.. well I'm off here!!!!! I love Andy n Justin!

2006-04-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm home alone and bored out of my mind! I wanna talk to Andy and I can't cause yeah it's long distance and my parents are too cheap to get it! They Suck!! I swear! I'm going home tomorrow and I can't wait cause I'll get to talk to Andy as much as I want to cause I'll beable to be online as much as I want to, and I'll beable to get on Yahoo! I get to see Justin Wednesday n I can't wait. I'm all excited about it. Okay, now to who ever reads this, do you think that I'm ugly? People on Livejournal be callin me ugly and sayin I'm a whore and shit. How can someone say that your a whore and skanky when they don't even know you? I mean just random people sayin shit about me and I don't know why. I guess cause I'm friends with Andy, I don't know. I don't see why they say shit about him either! Oh well.. They just losers. They jealous cause they can't be as cool as me n Andy. That's what there problem is! haha.. yeah right! Okay, I'm off here!!!!! Leave me Comments people!!!!!!!!!! I love you Andy!

2006-04-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm bored out of my mind right now.. I just wanna scream but I can't. I found some things out earlier that I wish I wouldn't have.. but yeah oh well I guess. Andy's back with Sydney, which I don't mind that...what I do mind is that he didn't tell me. I mean yesterday he told me that she was his girlfriend and things, and I don't know why he told me that, unless he thought I was gonna get mad or something. which I wouldn't have. I mean I know he loves her so yeah I'm fine with it. I don't know it just bothers me that he didn't tell me n he told Tina before me which really really bothers me. I mean I'm his best friend not her! He should tell me things before anybody else.Okay so anyways enough about that.. My weekend is going to suck! I have to go to my moms n watch my brother, n I was suppose to go out with Justin saturday night n yeah that ain't gonna happen now.. it was still gonna happen but my mom said I couldn't go cause I have to stay home saturday night n watch dakota while her n dad go out so yeah I'm stuck at home. Oh well though I guess.. I'm sure my brother will find something for me to do. I don't know.. I miss Andy! He needs to wake up so we can talk.. n I miss Justin.. which.. I don't know I'm not gonna get to talk to him until later tonight but yeah. Okay, I'm done writing!!!!! LEAVE ME COMMENTS PPL!

I love Justin and Andy!

2006-04-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

As you turn to walk away
My tears fall down like rain
I pray to the angels, Give me one more day
Help me release my pain
I hear a voice say to me
‘Cut yourself, then you’ll see’
Another voice is my head
‘Problems go away when you’re dead’
These ideas turn over in my head
I think, Is it true
Am I better off dead?
It seems like you’ve always been gone
Though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along
I look to the sky and pray
God give me one more day
Please don’t let this be the end
I just want to start all over again
I feel an emptiness inside
A part of me has already died
All we had started to disappear
I say to myself, why am I still here?
What I wouldn’t give for one more kiss
Now all I have to say is this:
Live long
Die slow
Love lost
Let go
Nothing to live for
So why not die?
Pull the trigger…
Scream Good-Bye

2006-04-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

I'm so bored right now.. Nobody's online.. Andy's prolly still sleeping so I can't call him. He's suppose to call me at 10 but I highly doubt that he will cause he probably won't get up, but I don't know he might! I'm actually in a good mood for once.. hopefully it just stays that way n I have a good day n it don't get fucked up some how or another, but it probably will cause it usually does! I have so many people hating me right now n I don't even know why. I mean I know why Sydney hates me.. n it's because of Andy, but I don't really know why it's because of him. I mean I didn't do anything, I'm not dating him... nothings changed between me n him except for the fact that he told me that he thinks hes falling in love with me.. but thats it. Which I don't even think she knows that. So I don't know.. but I honestly don't really care either.. So it's all good. Okay.. I'm off here...

2006-04-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick... n.. yeah nobody knows how truley sick I really am which is kinda good that way people don't worry but I don't know maybe I should tell someone... someone being andy. I don't know though.. I hate the fact that he's gonna lose me n I'm gonna be losing everything I have including my.. uhh.. yeah.. nvm. But todays a down day. I feel like crap n I know why which scares me cause I don't know what to do=\ ugh.. my stomach hurts so bad.. n I miss andy even though we just got off the phone n im talking to him right now, thats kinda weird huh. but I always miss him. okay well I guess imma stop writing... I love you Andy!

2006-03-28T16:32:00.000-08:00

I feel so unwanted.. I mean maybe I am. I don't know. I don't even care anymore.The guy I want the most has a girlfriend n doesn't even bother seeing how I truley feel about him, so I'm just giving up on trying to make him see cause theres no point. I love him to death n nothing will ever change that, I mean he's broke my heart many of times but I'm never ever gonna stop loving him. He means the world to me, I just wish he would see that, I wish he would see that he's my everything. He's my best friend, n I want him for so much more, is that wrong? Is it wrong that I want to spend every single day, minute, even second with him? I feel so obsessed with him, hell maybe I am. I don't even know anymore all I know is that I love him n that I've never felt this way about a guy before n now I don't know what to do. Because I don't wanna mess our friendship up n plus he has a girlfriend. So I'm just going to put my feeling for him in the bottom of my heart so I don't think about it as much= I don't know what to do.. somebody help me please!!!!! Andy if you read this.. remember that I'll always love you okay!

2006-03-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm only writing on here cause Andy told me to. I don't really have anything to write about. My lifes boring and Andy likes Meghan more than me, big surprise there huh! But oh well I guess, thats life so I'll deal with it! That's all I got to say!

2006-03-24T20:29:00.000-08:00

Today was kinda okay I guess.. kinda boring but thats nothing new, I got to talk to Andy for a while today except for when I was sleeping or when he was sleeping... but we still talked more today then usual which was good!! Yay! I'm talkin to andy on the phone!!!! I was all pissed off before I called him cause my grandma was being a total bitch just because I didn't fold the damn clothes n put them away, ain't that some shit? But yeah anyways then I gots to call Andy n I was all happy n he was makin me laugh.. yay! Okay.. I'z done writing now.. I love you Andy!

2006-03-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

ugh, today's been such a bad day. it's getting a lil better but it's still going pretty bad hopefully it starts getting a lot better soon. I met this guy, his names Justin, hes cute n nice and crazy just like me. Hopefully I won't be single much longer. I think that if I wasn't single that I'd be a lot happier and if I didn't have all the problems I have but I'd be somewhat happy if I was with someone. Maybe anyways.. I don't really know. Me n Andy was fighting this morning.. gosh.. it was so bad cause I thought I was going to lose him, but I usually do think that I'm going to lose him when we fight but I'm done fighting with him.. never again will I fight with him, I hate it..more than anything.... but oh well I guess... I love you Andy n I'm sorry!!!!

2006-03-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

I'm bored out of my mind right now! I was so bored that I even did school work... I have nothing to do, I've cleaned the house already, took a shower, and did school work. Nobody's online.. Andy's gone who knows where he is. He's been acting all weird the last few days I don't know what his problem is. I don't feel as close to him as I use to its like we're drifting apart or something I don't know, maybe thats just how its meant to be... I have some girl that I don't even know calling me a bitch because I'm friends with Andy I guess, which is just fucked up! I mean this girl doesn't know me so she can't call me a bitch, I'm not a bitch, I can be though but only if people make me mad enough. People just have issues, me being one of them. I can't wait til' I'm done with school n I can be out on my own finally have a life n not have to be stuck here in this lame ass town! I'll finally beable to get away from all my problems n just start my life over, forget about my past n just old friends n just move on.....I'm off here... I'm tired of writing!

2006-03-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm so sad right now n Andy isn't home and I can't call him cause my grandma's on the phone and she won't let me use the cell phone so basically I'm just gonna have to deal with being sad until he either gets on or I can call.... I haven't really talked to him at all today we talked for like 20 minutes maybe this morning but then I think that I made him mad so hes all I'm gonna go to sleep and things so yeah I don't know.. I seem to always make him mad anymore and I don't mean to I really don't. Thats the last thing that I wanna do. It's just when he starts talking to me about meghan it bothers me cause I always feel like I'm gonna lose him to her cause shes like a lot better than I am at least sometimes I think that he thinks that she is... I mean I'm even afraid of losing him to Sydney n thats his girlfriend. It's just hes my best friends hes the only person that I really have and I'm just afraid of losing him.. so that makes sense right...to be jealous I guess?? I don't know.. I just wish that I would quit fucking up all the time....I need drugs like so bad right now that its not even funny but I can't do it.. I'm not gonna go back to my old ways no matter how bad I want to. I've promised too many people that I wouldn't do it, one being Andy and the other being my brother.. the two most important ppl in my life, okay well I'm off here! I need a boyfriend sooooo bad right now!

2006-03-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

Todays been such a weird day.... I woke up n got to talk to andy n was all happy and things and then my happy mood just like fell to the ground n I was sad as can be n I don't even know why..... and I took my angry n things out on andy n I never meant to do that and I feel so bad for doing it. So now he thinks that he's an asshole cause thats what I called him earlier today.... god I hate myself for doing that because andy isn't an asshole I mean he's the sweetest guy I've ever met..n he tries so hard to help people and he feels like hes failing now but in a way he isn't cause he still helps me he just doesn't see that he does. I don't know but I know that right now I'm missing him like hella bad.. like more than ever n I'm sick n tired n sad and I just wanna cry.. I wish he was on cause I really need him right now. I'm off here though! I love you Andy!

2006-03-16T16:49:00.000-08:00

today was bad... but right now its alright i guess i felt alot better after andy stopped drinking hes sleeping now so thats good i guess even though i really wish i could talk to him right now i really miss him=( but i guess i'll just call him later. i was so worried about him earlier n i didn't know what to do i wish i would have been there that way i would have known that he wouldn't do anything stupid n maybe if i would have been there he wouldn't have even started drinking. i care about him soo much n he doesn't see why even though i've told him a thousand times. that boy means everything to me.... i mean i don't know what i'd do without him. he talks to me when im sad, mad,frustrated, happy, weird, crazy...i mean he doesn't care wht kind of mood im in.. hes just always there to talk to me no matter what. i'm so glad that i met him n i dont know sometimes i wonder if he regrets meeting me cause of the way he acts with me sometimes.. but i don't know thats prolly just me worrying about what he thinks of me i dont really know though. i realized today that i can't be mad about him being with sydney.. i mean if he loves her then thats all that matters doesn't matter how far she lives from him.. as long as hes some what happy, wish he was completely happy but maybe someday he will be n hopefully its soon cause thats all i want is for him to be HAPPY! if hes happy then i am too.... but i'll be happy as long as hes in my life never do i wanna lose him! i love him more than anything... and not as more than my best friend anymore either... i think thats all me n him will ever be but its better that way cause i dont wanna mess up our friendship by wanting more... but i love him.. and i consider him My Andy! yeah hes sydneys too but as a boyfriend... with me... hes my andy cause hes my best friend.. kinda like a brother! so hes mine.. makes sense right? prolly not but oh well.... I love you Andy!

2006-03-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

Today sucks! Worst day I've had all week and I hate it.... I leave tomorrow and I won't talk to Andy all weekend cause hes allowed on the phone with Sydney so he won't even think to call me... thats prolly why he didn't call me n wake me up this morning cause he was up all night talking to her. I sound jealous don't I? Thats cause I am... I hate that he has a girlfriend and really she isn't a girlfriend.. shes just a girl he talks to.. it's hard to have a girlfriend that lives in Texads I mean god.. thats so stupid. yeah I use to date people online but it just got to where it was retarded... especially when I knew I could have someone here.. n thats something that Andy just doesn't see....and I really wish that he did but I'm to the point where I dont even care anymore cause in the end it'll be his loss not mine!

2006-03-15T17:21:00.000-08:00

I'm so sad right now =( Andy's allowed to talk to Sydney on the phone again which means I'm going to be talking to him less even though he says that isn't going to happen but it will... I know this is mean to say but I don't like it that they talk a lot cause then he kinda ignores me, but he doesn't see where he does but I do cause I'm use to talking to him all the time but when he talks to her hes like a totally different person with me and I hate it! I don't know... but I'm done complaining about it I guess....=(

2006-03-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Andy called me this morning! =) I got the letter that he sent me today aww it was so cute and he sent me a bracelet makes me feel all good n special... it isn't real but its still cute n at least he was thinking about me enough to get me something. I miss him so much right now and I wanna talk to him so bad.. he called me at 11 but he had to get off the phone =( so sad... and now I gotta wait until like 5 or 6 to talk to him cause he has tests all day gosh I don't know what I'm gonna do! Okay, well I'm off here! I love Andy =) and he is mine.. not boyfriend wise mine but he's still mine!

2006-03-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

Talkin on the phone with Andy! Yay! Makes me feel all happy n things and I haven't really felt all that happy today unless I was on the phone with him and I don't know why... I guess I'm just strange. Is it weird that when I talk to Andy that I miss him? Ugh.... I'm so tired, I've had 2 hours of sleep I'm doing everything I can right now not to fall asleep on the phone with Andy. Okay well I didn't write much but yeah I'm getting off here now... I love my Andy!

2006-03-14T10:33:00.000-08:00

Okay so I started my diet today and so far its gone good, hopefully I can stick to it which I think I'll beable to because I really want to lose weight! Ugh, I miss Andy right now, we talked all night and we haven't done that forever, but I'm glad we did cause I talked him out of doing a lot of things last night and I told him how I felt.. ended up crying and then we just talked until 5 then he called me back at 6 and then he called me back at 6:30 talked til' 7 then I ended up falling asleep. Then he called me at 9:30 and woke me up... I think thats the most that me n him has talked in a really really long time made me feel good though. Okay, I'm off here for now! I Love You Andy your the best!!!!!!!

2006-03-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

I miss Andy so much right now like hella bad! Ugh, I had family night tonight which really sucked and I came back online n he's gone and I'm left online with nobody to talk to and yeah I'm really lonley right now... I've waited all weekend to talk to him and like actually get to talk to him and then he leaves me wth! He just went and ruined it all by getting offline.. he prolly called Meghan or something!

2006-03-10T07:49:00.000-08:00

How come it's so easy to fall in love with someone, but it's so hard to have the other person love you back? I don't get it. I mean he says we're friends but so much more, he tells me how wonderful and amazing I am, but yet he'd rather date a girl that lives so far away. When I just live 15 minutes from him. I told him how I truly felt and he just acted like he didn't care. I told him I was depressed and yet again... he acted like he didn't care. I'm done telling him how I feel about him, he just doesn't get it, sometimes I wonder if he truly is dumb and just don't see how I feel about him, or if he just choose not to see it. He's broke my heart too many times and this time my heart isn't going to heal... He was the first guy I ever truly loved and now everything just gone. He was my everything, he had my heart and the key to it.... now I feel like I don't even have a heart.. all that's there is emptiness and loneliness....I'm lost like a little puppy and I'm just waiting to be found, I was left stranded with no one to turn too. My hearts been broken too many times by him......